Deep down I’m an optimist. The more unpleasant the situation, the harder I try to find the silver lining. And the advantage of a – um – pandemic is that it’s suddenly very easy to view my life from a distance. Which friends will I wrap my arms around when this is all over? (All my friends. And their pets.) What kind of activities am I planning? (Vacation. To Paris!) And are there perhaps things that I’m accidentally glad to take a break from? Well, it’s not that bad going to college via Zoom – nobody sees that I’m not wearing pants 😉 – but one of the things that surprises me a bit is how high escort dates are on the list of the things I miss.
I’d only just started and was still a bit clumsy. Prior to the few dates I’d been on, the butterflies fluttered wildly through my stomach. And yet, in a way, it was immediately clear that being a courtesan suited me. After my first date, I was as happy as a child. So free. And that feeling persisted. The dates felt like an outing and an outlet. Casual and intimate, as if I could be the best version of myself and also get to see the best side of my clients. Maybe that’s what happens when you’re on an “island” together, away from the real world: you want to be nice to one another..
I miss it. I miss my clients. On my last date, before the world turned upside down, the client asked if I would like to go on vacation with him. I said yes. And I sometimes think about that now. When I’m standing in line to go inside the supermarket, with a good distance between the people waiting. Or when I do abdominal exercises in my apartment, on a mat in the kitchen. Then I daydream. I think of a white beach, of sleeping in together, of the sea.
It’s a strange time. It feels so unnatural that keeping your distance – not cuddling, not visiting, not sleeping with each other unless you live together – is now one of the most loving things you can do for each other. Maybe my optimism has limits after all. This period isn’t pleasurable at all. Sometimes I worry, but then I think again of the quote that I also have in my profile: What good is the warmth of summer without the cold of winter to sweeten it? What good is the warmth of summer, without the cold of winter to give it sweetness?
The longer the ban on contact professions continues, the more I become aware of how sweet it is to be a courtesan. It’s nice to feel desired, independent and sensual. To get to know people intimately who otherwise I might never have met. The beautiful hotel rooms, the excitement, the relaxation, the date bubble in which, for a little while, only the customer and I exist, and not the outside world.
I can’t wait to get started again.
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